Description

(i) 

i molded my spine into an artery, ruptured my bones into a valve, curled my toes into veins

 just to pump blood into This Dusty Attic 

thunder rumbling through the flesh of a sex doll 

for even Frankenstein’s monster was a vessel for his Creator’s entertainment

 but i’m not a gargoyle yet 

i feed You words of affirmation off my candied tongue 

each kiss dissolves a grain of sugar 

songs of (lies) pleasure affirm Your Manliness 

effeminacy drawing red silk across Your Jugular 

an unexplored horizon

 a forbidden boundary 

a (caco)euphony

 lines of red lipstick dot my throat like wounds from glass shards 

from each word (lie) 

they balloon when I breathe 

so I stopped breathing when You Spoke 

You come bearing Tulips 

i return with (plastic) daisies

 the light of the glittering gem (supposedly) reflects Your Love

 Ownership 

You might as well have put a noose on my fourth digit

 maybe it would fall off

 maybe You’d make a shrine for it

 

​
 

(ii) 

sunlight burns holes into my flesh 

the curtains draw

 the composers take their seats 

it’s time for the play, again 

Your Groggy Voice feels like fuzz in my ears 

i am told i am wanted 

so, (un)ceremoniously

 i rip the golden buttons from their snug home 

cold air forging valleys and hills onto my skin

 as Your Tongue probes my skin 

i feel (un)clean

 i’m not here anymore

 merely particulate floating in space

 only solidified into this “Female” form when needed 

my mind wrangles in my thoughts as Your Eyes fixate on my bosom 

You told me “mother always said more than a mouthful is a waste”

 as if i was designed for Your Consumption

 my worth wasn’t contingent upon the ripening of my breast & the rhythmical sway of my hips 

when i was in the womb

 it was only when i could comprehend human speech

 i was painfully aware

 i replied “i’d hope something as trivial as that isn’t what is keeping us together”

 i giggled

 because my body is trivial

 for it doesn’t reflect my mind

 at least in Your Presence

but You didn’t laugh
 

​

​

(iii)

 it feels as if we are one 

You said , unironically

 i could never comprehend the idea of oneness

 even when Our fingertips kiss, a space lies between

 therefore i am my own unit , right?

 imbeginningtodoubtmyself 

You are mine , and that is why I love you 

You said , once again , unironically

 whatwasibeforeimetyou

 i was waiting for the punchline

 You put Your Hands around my neck

 spoke Your Final Words 

This is the true you , right ?

 icanttakeitanymore

 no . 

i said , foolishly

 the seams of my skin unfurled

 limbs falling to the ground like grenades 

blood pouring out in a geyser , trickling between the gaps of Your Fingers

 my eyes rolled back 

i fell .

 as blood oozed from my innards 

proof of my existence

 You watched , dumbfounded

 was i not just an object? 

did You Expect flowers to seep from my flesh sack instead?

 

(iv)

 You lied to yourself 

once you saw 

my true form

 You became a sculptor

 stuck toothpicks in my arms , crudely 

fastened my teeth to my mouth with globs of chewed gum , grotesquely 

drew on rosy cheeks with a pink crayon , childishly

 replaced my organs with fragrant roses , messily

 is this what i was to you? 

You didn’t stop there

 You rummaged through the fridge for tomorrow night’s dinner

 two well endowed chicken breasts 

You placed them where my breasts were , delicately

 i finally understood 

what being a woman is

 You looked up with a self-satisfactory expression

 as if you were proud of the massacre You made of my body

 All better now 

You exclaimed , enthusiastically

 my mind , my body , my thoughts , felt numb 

i’m moving through space without purpose 

I shook my head in disapproval 

I undid the deformed faux-picasso painting that was my body 

I packed up my parts

 And I left

 If I felt purposeless then , I wonder how I’ll feel now , now that we are no longer “one”

​
 

(v) 

I’m currently on an island.

 I don’t really mind it , though.

 I can no longer taste the sugar.

 I can breathe without the cuts swelling.

 I can see flowers, not the kind that made up My Body.

 I unpacked my tampered parts.

 I took the gold dust from My Pocket.

 I mixed it with the adhesive. 

I took My Finger. 

I brushed it with liquid gold. 

I put it back on My Hand.

 I believe the Japanese call this Kintsugi? 

One by one, I put Myself back together in a more pleasing form.

 A form that is the real Me.

 Not the form that you’d think is “real” 

I shine like a diamond. 

But 

I am disfigured like a monster. 

That’s why I’m all alone. 

I sit on this island alone. 

The monstrous embodiment of the consequences of heteronormativity. 

Of dishonesty. 

Of conforming to you. 

Yet.

 Finally , 

Unequivocally , 

I am One.